Him.

I like him. A lot. I really do. So then why have i dated him three times and never kept him around for more than 3 months? I guess it's because dating someone isn't the same as casually flirting with them. Yeah that's it. That's the only thing that makes sense about it all. I don't know why i like him though. He's stupid and fat and ugly. Fugly, even. But there's some sort of connection between us. I don't know what it is. 

When I woke up this morning, I realized I was thinking about him. About the memories that I forced myself to forget when we broke up. What he did to me was not appropriate but I wish he was still a part of my life. I wish I could explain to him that the only reason I broke up with him was because I was so in love with him that I didn't want to get into anything too soon. WE had already passed the line once and I didn't want it to go any farther. 

But after every time I break up with him, I immediately want him back. Not that there is any special quality about him except that he makes me feel loved. And I guess that's a good enough quality to have. Sometimes, I feel like he's the only one who loves me, even when we're not together. 

Like this morning. I was walking down the church aisle to get a bulletin and I passed his seat. I could feel his eyes staring at me as I passed. I could feel his affection radiating off him like a lightbulb. And then we had Children's Church together and we played wallball while the kids ran around. We tackled each other and got really sweaty running around, but it was the best I had felt in days... It had been so long since we had even acknowledged each other other than a passing insult that reeked of desperation. Just to have him touch me made my heart flutter and we both knew that we wanted each other back.

But he doesn't trust me anymore. Not after what I said to break up with him last time. I told him I was only into him for the kissing, that I had found someone else at camp and didn't feel right dating him after four weeks away. And he rode with my parents all the way to Greenville and back 4 times. He begged his mom to let him go to Caswell just so he could be with me for a week. He came back to me during the Gulfport trip and comforted me while I was going through a rough time with Gumbi. And he had the nerve to date me again after Gumbi and after I had dumped him for the RGLP... I just wish I could make it up to him and say I'm sorry for all that I've put him through and ask that he take me back again, even though I may break his heart again in a few months, even though my parents will think I'm crazy, even though I don't want anything too physical, even though it will be my fourth time with him. I love him so much that I just have to take a long break every now and then so that we don't get too caught up in each other to let go.