Hiding.

Well, I haven't been writing much on here for that Transcendentalist thing. Maybe I should.

I'm working on not getting so overwhelmed over things I can't control. Like how Amanda frustrates me when she gloats about her "numerous accomplishments"and Becky's continual need to explain every detail to her halfwit peers. Things like that. Basically, I'm working on overcoming the hatred, envy, and judgemental thoughts about others and trying to see things from all perspectives. Obviously, one cannot completely become impartial to the world in a matter of days; it takes days for me to surpass each frustration and completely transcend the emotions behind each vengeful thought.

Lately, I haven't been getting very much sleep at night. No matter what time I go to bed, I always wake up around 3:15 am because of a very vivid dream. I think another reason why I don't get good sleep is because I'm always thinking back to Summer Ventures and all the friends I made there. Since I left, I haven't really had time to think about my experiences there because I have been so wrapped up in band camp and the marching season. So now that band is over, all these memories begin to flood toward the forefront of my brain and I can't stop thinking about how much I truly miss those people and the lifestyle I lived while I was there. I think this is mainly because now I am falling back into my old ways and my old routine of school, church, school, church that I am no longer expressing myself the way I used to at camp. At camp, it was as if I was at a masquerade ball and I could expose my inner self without people judging me based on how I normally act. These people only knew me for who I was to them, not who I am to everyone else so there were no expectations to conform to and no one to say "Hey! You're not acting like yourself!" when in fact, the opposite was true at camp; I was acting more like my true self than I have ever acted at home. Thinking about my experiences at camp makes me look forward to college even more. If I can just get away from all the expectations and the parents and the best friends and can get out into a world where no one knows my name, then I can be free to be who I truly am.

It's so liberating out in public, where you have no past, only a present and what you chose to do in that present time determines who you are. Somehow, when we enter a society full of complete strangers, we each gain a new sense of identity like a mask. No one knows if you're acting so all the lies fall away like a facade and you're left with the truth that was drowning in the judgemental glances of those around you. You feel exposed, and after a while you get over that feeling but you are left alone to come to terms with the real you that was hiding all along.

This fact keeps me awake at night, as I remember the daydream that was this summer and I long to go back to that place, but I can't, so I simply reminisce for hours at a time, hoping that one day, that daydream will come a reality and I will be myself at college and away from all those that "know" me best.