Black Horse and the Cherry Tree

Women's Retreat was AWEsome. I definitely needed the spiritual redirection and sustenance I received this weekend. The theme verse was Psalm 45:11 "The King is ENTHRALLED by your beauty. Honor Him, for He is your Lord." The primary focus was putting your worth in yourself as God sees you, not as the world sees you or your sin. I've been struggling lately with thinking that something was wrong with me... that my thinking was psychotic and i stressed out way too much. I realized this weekend that I put my worth in my performance, my success, my academics. I realized that I feel like I rely on my academics to keep me happy, that I compare myself to other people and their expectations of me. I'm realizing that God is still going to love me if I fail a class. God is still going to love me if my world falls apart. But if I put my worth in God's view of me and not my own, I can never fail because God loves me and sees me perfect despite all my sin and "failures." One huge fundamental point I know God is revealing to me is the idea of Grace. I never really understood what grace meant until this weekend. Grace isn't just "getting what you don't deserve." Grace is the forgiveness that God gives us. We don't have to remember every single sin we commit and confess it to God to be forgiven of it. That would turn into a shopping list and then our relationship with God turns into the kind of relationship we have with a grocery store... we go there when we need something important and then leave. We don't go to the grocery store to hang out with friends. God is so much bigger than a spiritual grocery store. God is more like a five-star restaurant. We get sustenance and can go there to have a good time and celebrate our life accomplishments. And the more we go, the more inviting and familiar the atmosphere becomes. God should be the first thing we run to when something happens, be it good or bad. Too often I find myself running to people and relying on them for comfort or reassurance. And too many times, I feel like I have to act a certain way that isn't exactly honest or right in order to please someone or their expectations of me. I'm learning that God is going to love me despite what I say, despite of my circumstances, despite whether everyone else thinks i need to act a certain way or not. God is my comfort and strength, a present help in time of trouble. But God is more than that. Not only is God the way and the truth, but God is the LIFE. He is in the amazing things, He is in the trials, He is in my pain, He is there in my struggles. I think God is opening a new chapter in my life. For the longest time, I felt God telling me that He has a plan for me, that everything happens for a reason, that people are in my life to direct me to the next door, that bad things happen so that I can become stronger and face situations down the road. Like how muscles are made stronger by ripping the tissue; the tissue that grows back is even stronger than what was there before. I feel like God has shown me what He needs to show me as far as how His plan works through my life. I feel like now that I know how His plans work, He is showing me that I need to trust Him and only Him. I need to learn that the world will only fail me. I need to put my trust, and my worth, in Him because He is in control of everything. I can't stand on my own in sinking sand, I need a vine to hold onto to keep me from sinking. If I try to save myself, I will only sink quicker. But if I put my faith in that vine and hold onto it, I cannot drown. I am ready and open for His teaching, I just have to be patient and listen to His words. Speaking of which, my discipleship starts this week. I can't wait to see what the Lord is going to teach me through the amazing woman that is Jenn King.